Amy Sedaris on Letterman - January 15, 2007

Amy has no goals and no plans. She loves not having anything to do because "it's like living in a bikini."	Since she has free time, Amy suggests that maybe she could be an usher for the Late Show--Except she'd make a horrible one because once she got the job, she'd just sit and wait for the show to start.	Dave asks once again if she has anything that she's striving or working toward... "I'm telling you. I have NOTHING TO DO."
	Someone told Amy that you should vacuum your mattress if you have problems with allergies... "Now there's some time on your hands. That's ridiculous...	...And I have a single bed!"
Vacuuming a mattress sounds like you're "vacuuming shells on the beach. That's how loud it is."	Amy hates allergies because "I look like Mr. Magoo."	After spending the holidays in London and France, Amy went to Florida... "The lady who runs the post office has a sister and I stayed at her apartment."
Dave interrupts Amy and asks why she didn't stay at a hotel...	"Because it was a free space."	"She offered me a place to crash on her futon."
"But as I was leaving, I said, 'Thank you very much, you have a lovely home.' And she said, 'I have a lot of angels.'"	"I said, 'Excuse me?'"	"She said she had a lot of angels."
"So, as a present, I bought her a big jar of Vaseline for her and all her angels."	Dave asks Amy what the connection is to the woman--"Were you just driving through the neighborhood and went to the door? How did you get into the house?"	"She doesn't lock the door because of all the angels... Seriously."
When people are traveling, they might call AA if they have a drinking problem, but Amy calls the House Rabbit Society "because I need a fix."	Amy reminds Dave that he once accused her of owning a ferret--"The other night when Madonna was on your show and you didn't know how many kids she had, and she got all offended? I wasn't offended when you accused me of owning a ferret."...	..."How's your lizard, Harry?"
	Amy brings her own lunch to sets because she doesn't like when food is made in large quantities, like in prison.	Dave asks Amy if she was recently on Martha Stewart's show... "I was on his show. I was a guest on his show."
Confused, Dave asks Amy why she's using the wrong pronoun because Martha Stewart is a lovely woman... "Right. Well I was there. On the show. And I'm saying 'he.'"	"He had a pantyline like this."	On her book tour, a lot of people asked Amy about her and Dave's relationship, so she told them two things: That he once invited her to Mexico for 10 days...
...and the other time he asked if she'd ever done heroin.	"And I was like, why would he ask me that question?... Sabotaging!"	On her book tour, Amy didn't like getting presents from people she doesn't know, like "huge canvases with paintings of people I've never met before in my life, or pillows with their images on it, dressed up like me."
"So I travel with scissors, and you spend hours slashing canvases and cutting up pillows and hiding it in different trashcans."	Dave resassures Amy that she's not a pest, so she informs Paul that she's "not goin' anywhere!"
Amy doesn't want to leave, so Dave invites her to stick around for magician Jason Randall.	Jason demonstrates how to do a trick that would fool kids, but it's "obviously not how you'd fool an adult."...	...But Amy was fooled. "I was confused!..."
"...That was creepy!"
Dave suggests that Amy invite Jason to her next party. "Mmmm!"	Doing card tricks, Amy asks Jason if he has a lot of cards at his house.