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amy sedaris transcripts
Amy Sedaris on Conan O'Brien > March 23, 2000

Conan: All right, everybody, we're back. My next guest tonight is a playwright and an actress, and she stars in the hilarious show "Strangers With Candy" on Comedy Central. Let's take a look.

(Clip of "Strangers With Candy")

Conan: Please welcome Amy Sedaris! Thanks for coming, Amy!

Amy: Thank you!

Conan: Congratulations, first of all, the show is hilarious.

Amy: Thanks a lot.

Conan: Really, one of the funniest shows on TV. You've gotta be happy about that.

Amy: Yeah, it's great.

Conan: And you play--the character we're seeing here, in a nutshell, explain to people who haven't seen the show. You play--

Amy: Jerri Blank. She's 47. She was a drug addict, prostitute and, uh, she decides at 47 to go back to high school, you know, start where we left off. She's back in high school dealing with teenage problems--like illiteracy.

Conan: Yeah. She's--it's a great character. It's a really funny show. So we know that's going well. What about you--your personal life? How is everything going?

Amy: Well, I'm in the middle of a heart-wrenching relationship right now. A break up. It was awful.

Conan: You're breaking up--

Amy: Yeah, no, he broke up with me. It was terrible. But I was just in the green room and he called me and broke up with me on the phone.

Conan: Just before? Oh man!

Amy: Yeah.

Conan: That's terrible. I can't imagine what that would be like.

Amy: Well, I brought a clip so we can see.

--Clip of Amy and WWF wrestler Big Show in green room.--

Amy (in hysterics, crying on the phone): No! Did you kiss her? Do you love her? No!

(Amy climbs on to a confused Big Show's lap)

Amy (crying hysterically): Big Show, stop the hurt!

--

Amy: God...

Conan: I'm glad Big Show was there for you.

Amy: Yeah. He's understanding, Big Show.

Conan: Yeah.

Amy: Very understanding.

Conan: Now, uh, you do a lot of great characters. What are the influences? Who influences who you are as a comedienne?

Amy: Well, uh, a big influence was my third grade teacher, Miss Lockamie (?), who gave me this pin of a mouse and his eyes roll around. Isn't it cute? Third grade, still wearing it. And every day before class, she'd make us sing this song, so I'll sing it.

(Stands up and sings): We're all together again, we're here, we're here. We're all together again, we're here, we're here. We're all together again, singing all together again, yes, we're all together again, we're here, we're here.

Conan: Did you imitate her way back then?

Amy: Oh yeah. She had legs like tree trunks and feet like "fudgicles" and they just fit right in there. She's great. I hope she's still alive.

Conan: Yeah, I hope she's watching this right now, hearing you say she has legs like tree trunks.

Conan: Now, you do a character. Last time you were on the show I made you do it. It's one of the more outrageous things I've ever seen. It's a character called Piglet.

Amy: Uh huh, Piglet.

Conan: Piglet's kind of... Describe Piglet.

Amy: She's just sweet sixteen. A young, troubled teenager. Do you have any scotch tape?

Conan: Yeah, we have scotch tape.

Amy: Oh, that's right. I brought it.

Conan: You need scotch tape for this impression.

Amy: Yes, I do. You just take scotch tape--I'm dying to do a commercial for them--and tape it up like that....

(Amy stands up and gives the audience the finger)
Appreciate this, mother--! Appreciate this! You can take your stinkin' sack of hard luck bull-- and stick it up your bitch's blisterin --!

(The audience goes wild)

Amy: What else can I say about her?... She's single...

Conan: She's single! She's a catch, that one!

Amy: Yeah...

Conan: I knew Piglet, I think, at one point.

Amy: Yeah.

Conan: Now, what's impressive--one of the things that really impresses me about you is that you're doing your own show, which is a full-time job. You do it very well. But also, you work as a caterer still.

Amy: I'm still selling cupcakes and cheeseballs. I made $150 on Valentine's Day with cupcakes, and, uh, my smoky cheeseballs.

Conan: Smoky cheeseballs? Tell us about those.

Amy: Yeah, like the size of a softball and you roll it in nuts.

Conan: Oh, wow!

Amy: And I put a little A1 sauce in it to make it smoky.

Conan: Right.

Amy: It's good. It's $7.99.

Conan: Cool!

Amy: Yeah.

Conan: Now that actually sounds like something I would like.

Amy: I'm sure you would. I brought a clip.

--

(clip of Amy holding a tray with a cheeseball, standing next to Conan)

Amy: Go on! Try it!

(Conan picks up the whole cheeseball and takes a huge bite)

Conan: DAMN! That's a smoky cheeseball!

--

Conan: Wow! I really looked like I was enjoying that!

Amy: Yeah! That was great!

Conan: Cool!

Amy: $7.99. I didn't even charge you.

Conan; Now, you've been doing some work with PETA, is that right? The animal rights group?

Amy: Yes, I did. And I swear to God when they called me, I had just unwrapped a taxidermied raccoon that I ordered in the mail, and I was just unwrapping it--(pretends to be on the phone) Hold, please--and they gave me this fur coat. (Amy leans over the chair to get the coat and sticks out her butt) Oh, excuse me!--And they gave me this fur coat from PETA, ethical treatment of animals.

Conan: That's so nice of them. They're good people.

Amy: They are good people. I don't know what it stands for or anything.

Conan: PETA, I don't know, some kind of bread, I suppose.

Amy: 'PETA' scoops...

Conan: Now, uh, well, we're all really happy for you--

Amy: Thank you.

Conan: --and the success of your show. And uh, you think you'll come back sometime in the future?

Amy: Oh, I would love to come back. As a matter of fact, I brought a clip.

--

(clip of Amy and Conan, looking about 60 years old)

Conan: Thanks so much for coming back.

Amy: Oh, thank you.

Conan: Do you remember the last time you were here, you showed all those clips? Including this clip right now?

(Amy laughs)

Conan: So, uh, you and the Big Show are married.

Amy: Yes, and we're trying to have a baby right now.

Conan: Oh, really?

Amy: Yeah.

Conan: You'll be killed during the birthing process.

Amy: That's what I hear.

--

Conan: Very nicely done. Well, folks, "Strangers With Candy" is on Mondays at 10 o'clock P.M. on Comedy Central. You're missing out if you're not seeing it. Amy Sedaris--thank you very much, very funny.

Amy: Thank you.

Conan: We'll take a break. We'll be right back, stick around.

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