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amy sedaris interviews
Amy Sedaris on Conan O'Brien > November 28, 2001

Conan: Look at you!

Amy: I haven’t seen you in so long!

Conan: I know! You look like a happy little homemaker!

Amy: I look like a deaf person--all color.

Conan: What?!

Amy: Like deaf people--they dress like color--and it’s winter, I’m like, Hey!

Conan: How are you?

Amy: I’m fine, how are you?

Conan: I’m good. I haven’t seen you in a while.

Amy: I know. it’s been like since August or something.

Conan: Did you have a good Thanksgiving?

Amy: I had a great Thanksgiving. My brother David was in town, so we got to celebrate it together.

Conan: Oh, that’s nice, and he’s also a very funny author.

Amy: He’s all right. No, he’s a really funny author. And he did the David Letterman show and it was great, and he was really funny and it was a really nice segment, and then my father called after we ate and was like, “You look terrible! You have no personality! You blew it! You blew it! Where are those bow ties I gave you?!” It was so funny.

Conan: Who calls up their son after they’ve appeared on a talk show and says they did horribly?!

Amy: My father, Hercules. It was great, he meant it in a nice way, though.

Conan: Yeah, I’m sure. That’s just what you want to hear on Thanksgiving. Now, uh, I know you cook.

Amy: Yes, I do. All the time.

Conan: Who else cooks in your family? Like does your brother cook?

Amy: We all cook, but we cook different things, you know what I mean? Like, my little brother Paul, the Rooster, he cooks like, um--like he has a freezer full of food, like let’s say he has some chicken wings. Then he’ll take them out and he’ll bust them apart with the heel of his foot and put some barbecue sauce on it and stick it in the broiler, and he’ll eat what he can and throw it in the trash can, then two hours later, he’ll go out and pick it out of the trash can like a raccoon. But it’s funny because he’ll bust it open with his foot.

Conan: Wait, he’ll go back if he’s already thrown it out and decides, I want some more of this?

Amy: Yeah, come on, you’ve done that, haven’t you?

Conan: No! I’ve not--!

Amy: You’ve never thrown something out then gone back and gotten it?

Conan: With some flan once... Yes, I threw out the flan and then I just went and scooped it out. I bought a raccoon for it. No, I never did that!... Now, um, whenever you’re on the show, you’re very good with crafts.

Amy: Yes, I am.

Conan: You just are. You’re very good. It’s one of your talents. You’re very good with the crafts. You brought some--what did you bring?

Amy: Since there’s a war going on, I brought some crafts that you might want to make since it’s hard times. So, um, oh, first of all, my little brother wanted me to give you a shirt from his floor sanding business. Ok, so--

Conan: This is from his floor sanding business?

Amy: Yeah, you know, Silly P Hardwood Floors.

Conan: I should hold this up so he get some business. Sedaris Hardwood Floors.

Amy: Quality shines though! Isn’t that nice?

Conan: Oh wait, look what’s on the back here, though. Look at the guy on the back.

Amy: Hee haw! Yeah, I’ll do your floors.

Conan: Is that the guy who does the advertising slogan? You want that guy?

Amy: At Christmas every year, Paul makes you--my little brother makes me something called a Fuck-It Bucket, and what it is--

Conan: What the hell?

Amy: You take a bucket--

Conan: Wait, back it up.

Amy: It’s called a Fuck-It Bucket.

Conan: All right, all right.

Amy: You fill it with candy and just stuff that’ll make you happy, so when you’re feeling down, you just reach back and grab a fist of motherfucking candy!

Conan: Oh, you didn’t write it out. I thought for a minute you wrote it!

Amy: I wrote “uck-it” just in case. Ratings!

Conan: So the idea is that if you’re feeling down, you just say, “blank it”—

Amy: Yeah, reach back and say “fuck it” and you reach in and get some candy.

Conan: All right, all right, I just gave you an audible cue to start saying “blank it” you know, but not you, Amy, you had to go for the glory.

Amy: Um… You got potatoes, you stick pencils in it for a pencil holder. 

Conan: What?!

Amy: Baby shoes make really nice ashtrays for the holidays if you got a little baby shoe down there.

Conan: What?! You just put it out there? (taps cigarette into the shoe)

Amy: And the wishbone from like the turkey, I saved it and put a rubber band for like slingshots for the children.

Conan: I’m sorry, these are the worst crafts I’ve ever seen.

Amy: They’re not crafts. They’re not. They’re just for if you don’t have any money.

Conan: You just attacked this potato with pencils and called it a craft.

Amy: You can clean out your hairbrush and make candles.

Conan: Why did you put in the Uck-It Bucket, um, there’s candy and stuff, then there’s Gillette Good News razors. What the hell? It’s like, “I’m gonna kick back and enjoy myself. I can’t deal.”

Amy: It can be filled with anything. But people are still calling my house and ordering cheese balls, so I thought I’d teach you how to make a cheese ball.

Conan: You know, I will attest to this. You’ve been on the show before and you brought your smoked cheese ball.

Amy: My smoky cheese ball.

Conan: Ok, and they’re great, they’re delicious. And you’re kind of, uh, known throughout Manhattan for these great cheese balls and you’re gonna show us how to make them.

Amy: I’m gonna teach you how to make them right now.

Conan: Let’s do it right now. This will be fun.

Amy: Ok, first of all, you want to put something on to protect your head, so I put on a fall… Here you go.

Conan: What’s this? 

Amy: You’re going to put on a hair… This is what I do at home when I cook.

Conan: I was totally rehearsed that this would be a hair net. They didn’t say a wig

Amy: Oh, no! So I just put something on my head.

Conan: How does it protect my—

Amy: It just makes you look good, feel good about yourself when you look really pretty. (Amy laughs at Conan’s fall) Two tone!

Conan: I feel like I’m in the band Creed… (sings) With eyes wide open, with eyes wide open… Those guys take themselves very seriously.

Amy: Ok, now we’ll do this fast. We don’t have a lot of time.

Conan: Yeah, we have very little time, so we gotta do this real fast.

Amy: Ok, first of all, you’re gonna grate your smoked gouda like that.

Conan: Smoked gouda. Ok.

Amy: Do you want me to do it or are you gonna do—

(Conan grates the cheese and growls)

Amy: Ok, like that. You’re gonna take two 8 ounce packages of cream cheese there.

Conan: This doesn’t look too healthy, by the way.

Amy: A stick of butter.

Conan: That’s always good. Dick Cheney loves it!

Amy: Ok, then when you get all that grated, you’re gonna add it to the bowl.

Conan: Right.

Amy: You’re gonna add some steak A1 sauce.

Conan: That’s the secret. That’s what gives it the smoky flavor.

Amy: Damn right! Then you’re going to add a little bit of milk. Ok, and then I use a blender but we don’t have one right now, but you’re gonna mix it with your hands.

Conan: Our show is so low-grade that we can’t have a blender. I love that!

Amy: Then last night, at three in the morning I crushed some walnuts and made some of that.

Conan: So you throw those in there.

Amy: No, you’re gonna form a ball and you’re gonna roll it in the crushed nut mixture.

Conan: Ok. How do you make the ball?

Amy: Well, if you had grated the cheese like you were supposed to, you would just get this all together and form a ball.

Conan: So it’s all my fault now.

Amy: It’s your fault!

Conan: You are the worst—And then this is a finished one. Show them what a finished one looks like.

Amy: Yeah, so then, it’s gonna look like this and then you can decorate it and then people come up to my apartment and pick it up for $20.

Conan: You sell them out of your apartment!? 

Amy: Yeah!

Conan: There’s gonna be like a sting operation where you’re illegally selling cheese balls out of your apartment.

Amy: It’s great. It’s 20 bucks. Do you have any questions?

Conan: I think we taught nobody nothing with this segment.

Amy: Oh really? You didn’t learn anything?

Conan: I don’t think anybody learned anything from that.

Amy: Really?

Conan: But you got us looking crazy. That’s the important thing. Um, “Wonder of the World” is now playing at the Manhattan Theatre Club right here in New York City.

Amy: Sleeps 250.

Conan: Sleeps 250? I don’t know anymore! Amy Sedaris! We’ll be right back!

Amy: Thank you!

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