Dave: Our first guest is a very funny woman, and a talented actress. She is the host of a new series on the Trio entitled “Film Fanatic,” which premieres on April 24th. Here’s the lovely Amy Sedaris, ladies and gentlemen.

Dave: Thank you for being here, that’s a beautiful dress. You look wonderful.

Amy: (sings) I’m the happiest girl in the whole USA! I just had to get that off my chest. Yeah, it’s a sheet!

Dave: It’s a sheet!

Amy: Um, yeah, a friend of mine gave me a bunch of flat sheets--um, I like ***, I’m a ***--Um, so I took it to this lady and I asked if she’d make me a dress. I said, will you turn this sheet and voila. Isn’t it great?

Dave: Well, it’s beautiful, yeah.

Amy: Yeah, it’s perfect, so when I fall down, you know, drunk, I’m already ready for bed. You know what I’m sayin’?

Dave: Hahaha, yeah--

Amy: It’s a size flat.

Dave: Hahaha, that’s what you said.

Dave: Uh, and do you find yourself more and more interested in fashion?

Amy: Uh, do I find--Um, I like homemade things.

Dave: Yeah.

Amy: I like stuff from scratch.

Dave: Right.

Amy: No label.

Dave: Do you ever go in and have fittings done?

Amy: Uh, yeah, actually, recently I went to get fitted for a brazierre--

Dave: Really?

Amy: Yeah, and I--

Dave: I didn’t know they do that.

Amy: They sure do! It’s a place uptown and um, and I went in there, and first they eyeball, right? They just look at your chest. And I went in wearing a 34B and I left wearing a 32D. But yeah, and they’re really rude and mean and they yank your straps and it was really tight, and I said, “I don’t know, I don’t like this fat.” And she goes, “Well, that’s about somethin’ else!”... You bitch!

Dave: Hahahaha!

Amy: Yeah, but it’s nice. All women should do that.

Dave: You really think so? That’s a good idea for everybody?

Amy: Yeah! Yeah! It makes a big difference.

Dave: You’re happy with the product.

Amy: (squeals) Mmmmmm! Mmmm hmmm!

Dave: Now, um, last time you were here I forgot to ask you about this but I’m curioous--

Amy: Aries.

Dave: How is your imaginary boyfriend?

Amy: Ricky!

Dave: Yeah, Ricky.

Amy: Oh, he’s great! Well actually, um, I hate to steal your thunder, but Ricky and I just had a baby!

Dave: Wow, congratulations!

Amy: Thank you, thank you. We’d been trying for like, um, we’d been trying for like hours. And it’s really hard. I mean, don’t you feel so fortunate to have a baby?

Dave: Yes, I do.

Amy: Not everyone can have children, Dave.

Dave: Yeah.

Amy: We should be very lucky.

Dave: Yes.

Amy: Actually, I brought Hercules. His name’s Hercules.

Dave: His name is Hercules?

Amy: Yeah, he’s over there. (to “Hercules” in the audience; in twangy country accent) Nuh huh. Momma’s talkin’ to Poppa right now. Uh, nuh--Angry clown. Ok? Maybe tomorrow, OK? Ok, you stay put. I’m so sorry. So rude.

Dave: Haha, that’s quite all right.

Amy: Anyway, I mean, Ricky got drunk, OK, so I had to leave the nanny at home to watch Ricky, so, you know our nanny (does Agnes Moorehead impression) Yes, please, I stay here with Ricky. Ricky’s body, and you go do that fancy gameshow. Please tell Mistah Letterman I said hello.

Dave: Haha, oh my goodness.

Amy: Yeah. It’s a full-time job, isn’t it?

Dave: It sure is. You’ve got your hands full.

Amy: God, no more! Now, um--

Dave: How old is Hercules?

Amy: Hercules is a half a year, six months.

Dave: Mmm hmm.

Amy: Right. And, uh, you know that soft spot on the back of a kid’s head? When does that fall off?

Dave: Hahaha, I don’t think it falls off... I think it gets, it’s kinda.. it’s no longer soft, I think.

Amy: All of them?

Dave: You and your imaginary boyfriend, Ricky, will you be getting married?

Amy: Um, I’m like you, Dave. I don’t rush into things. Um, I don’t think--I don’t think so. You know? I don’t think so. The baby’s hard enough, but we’ll see.

Dave: Yeah.

Amy: You know, I always thought I wanted to adopt because I thought I’d be a better, you know, step-mom, because then I could always talk about the kid’s real mother and make it adventurous and fun.. It’s nice having my own, really.

Dave: That’s good. I’m very, very happy for you.

Amy: Thank you! And you’re happy, too, with your baby?

Dave: And where does Ricky live?

Amy: Well, sometimes he lives in Argentina.

Dave: Uh huh.

Amy: So I’ll be raising him, you know, by myself. But maybe you, um, he can play with Hercules or something. You know, Hercules and Harry are the same name in Greek.

Dave: They can get together. Oh, is that the same name?

Amy: Yes, Hercules, yeah. Was that your idea for the name or was it your girlfriend’s?

Dave: Well, it was kind of a mutual decision.

Amy: Oh really? So you talked about it. One time I remember you telling a story about cutting vegetables in your kitchen--

Dave: That’s right.

Amy: And you cut your finger--

Dave: That’s right.

Amy: And that’ just been in my--I can’t imagine the kitchen, I can’t imagine what you were making, where was she, I can’t--I need more of that story.

Dave: I sliced the tip of my thumb off and there was blood everywhere--

Amy: (looking intense) Uh huh, go on.

Dave: And uh, and it obviously needed stitches.

Amy: (looking extremely enthralled) Uh huh, right.

Dave: And we didn’t really know what to do, so I was doing this to keep it from--I thought if you held it up here, and my girlfriend came over and she was no help what so ever. I just remember she said, “Would you like some tea?”

Amy: Don’t marry her. Don’t marry her. Tea drinkers.

Dave: I don’t know what it was going to do for the bleeding. We’ll be right back with Amy Sedaris.

(cut to commercial)

Dave: Hey! Welcome back to the program! Tell me about, uh, I know you’re very, you love people, you’re a social person--

Amy: (makes loud noise; to the audience; talking to “Hercules”) Quit, Hercules, quit! (to Dave) I’m so sorry.

Dave: That’s all right. And um, whenever there’s a holiday, you get kind of, like you have guests over. Now, was there a big Easter gathering?

Amy: Yes, this is for Greek Easter and American Easter on the same, um, Sunday this year. So yeah, I had a big Greek dinner and invited some people on the last minute. Sarah Jessica and Matthew came--

Dave: Oh, that’s great!

Amy: --And wanted to bring their baby--(disapproving look) the anchor. And at first you think, “Oh, baby--and there goes (pretends to smoke a joint), there goes the fun” but it wasn’t like that at all. It wasn’t, it wasn’t--and it was a complete joy and I got to see it like at eye level. And I have this little, like, medical suthe in my kitchen, like, the top part of the ladies body and you open the stomach and all the organs come out, and so he played with that (laughs) Uh, and he played a lot with my rabbit--

Dave: Oh, how is the rabbit?

Amy: She’s fantastic, thank you.

Dave: And the rabbit’s name is, uh, Bunny?

Amy: Dusty.

Dave: Dusty.

Amy: Bunny! Hahaha! Yeah! Bunny!

Dave: And she’s doing great! And, uh, you know, um, I’m a rabbit educator--

Dave: I know.

Amy: --Which means that when you get Harry a rabbit, I’ll go to your--

Dave: You know all about rabbits. You’ll come to the camper.

Amy: I’ll come to your camper and I will train you how to fix your house--rabbit-proof it.

Dave: How do you rabbit-proof a house?

Amy: Well, it’s, uh, you wanna make sure you put cords in big, thick pieces of plastic. And it’s a long story, I have to go to your house to show you. But um, but because I have this badge and everything, this girl called me a few weeks ago, you know, an emergency call, saying her rabbit was chewing all her cords.

Dave: Oh my God, and so then possibly what could happen is the rabbit could electrocute itself.

Amy: Haha! Yeah, and hilarity ensues. Yes, I know.

Dave: Yeah, now.. hahaha!

Amy: When they call me, I’m like, “What are you wearing?” Click! But when she called me, I was hoping the line would go dead, so it would’ve been funny like, it chewed the cord, the phone cord. But that didn’t happen.

Dave: Yeah, that’s great. And what about your craft group, you have a craft making--

Amy: Yeah, the Crafty Beavers!

Dave: Yeah, how are they?

Amy: Yeah, um, thank you, we’re doing great! Um,we actually decorated Sarah Jessica’s house for Christmas--

Dave: That’s great!

Amy: --For 25 cents, and her only note to us was (in a serious voice) “Amy, just remember there’s a war going on.” I was like (in a casual, non-chalant tone) “Whaaaat?” And then we all went to St. John to celebrate, um, a birthday. Ya know, one member sent all of us down there to surprise him, and then Colon Powell was there.

Dave: Really? Did you speak with him?

Amy: No, I just, we just pointed and laughed. Haha! You know, but it was really nice.

Dave: Now, I’m being told--and maybe you weren’t aware of this--you’re going to be singing for us here in a minute?

Amy: Oh! Haha! You were told I was going to be singing?!

Dave: That’s what the woman said when she came to the desk.

Amy: Really? A duet?

Dave: Yes, I believe with you and Smitty.

Amy: Smitty?!

Dave: Yeah.

Amy: Really?!

Dave: We’ll just see what happens when we come back.

(commercial break; then Amy performs “Rocky Mountain High” to end of the segment)

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