Dave: Our first guest stars in a new motion picture entitled "Strangers With Candy," which premieres January 24th at the Sundance Film Festival. Here's the very funny Amy Sedaris!

(Amy enters)

Dave: Welcome back!

Amy: Hi! Thank you!

Dave: Happy New Year!

Amy: Happy New Year! I'm sorry you're sick. You're always sick when I come.

Dave: It's like the thing--I don't know--it's like, I didn't get a flu shot is the problem.

Amy: Yeah, well, you know. It happens to a lot of guys.

(both laugh)

Dave: You look terrific! Is that a brand new dress?

Amy: Well, my friend, Mary Adams, who has nine and a half fingers, made it for me last night. It's out of an apron.

Dave: I'm sorry, nine and a half fingers?

Amy: She has nine and a half fingers! It's like a-- (Amy does the Can-Can and Paul starts playing it on the keyboard) (to Paul) Thank you! Maybe we I do that again you could do that. Like, you always do sound effects for David Letterman. You could do that. I mean, unless you don't want to pay attention... You know, do what you need to do. I see the eyes, Paul, I see the eyes.

Paul: Were we not right on top of you? I think we were.

Dave: Yes, I think he was.

Paul: Right on top of you!

Amy: Yeah...

Dave: Now, I want to get back to the woman with nine and a half fingers.

Amy: Yeah! She's fascinating!

Dave: Now, was that a sewing mishap?

Amy: It wasn't.

Dave: Ah.

Amy: Um, yeah--

Dave: Is there a story behind that or should we just keep going?

Amy: Yeah, there is a story behind it but I don't remember what it is.

Dave: Ah.

Amy: It's just, you know, how are you gonna follow nine and a half fingers, right?

Dave: It's not your problem. Exactly.

Amy: ...Room for the tip.

Dave: Anyway, that's a lovely dress.

Amy: Thanks! Looks better on the floor, Dave!

(Amy does the Cancan again)

Paul: All right, we're getting high.

Amy: I know. I know... I know...

Dave: And you look radiant for Heaven's sake!

Amy: I do? Well, I have this dermatologist, Dr. Colbert, and I wanted to have a freckle enlarged--

Dave: A freckle enlarged?!

Amy: Yeah, it's like a freckle, I had to have it removed.

Dave: Ah.

Amy: But anyway, he suggested--he had this vacuum cleaner and he sucked dead skin off my face. He said everyone's doing it. Yeah. He sucked it and all the dead skin went into a big vacuum bag, which I couldn't keep, and I asked. And he said it's like taking the skin off a red onion.

Dave: Really?!

Amy: Mmm hmm!

Dave: I've never heard of that. So it's like--

Amy: I'm sure it has a name, but I don't remember.

Dave: A face peeler, a skin peeler or something like that.

Amy: Yeah, something like that. But he said a lot of clients have it done. But he said now the big thing is people are taking fat off their bottom and putting it in their cheeks. That's what all the people are doing now.

Dave: And they do this on purpose.

Amy: They do it on purpose. And I guess it knocks 10 years off... Andy Rooney should probably have it done. I guess it knocks like 10 years off them.

Dave: So you load up your face with ass fat.

Amy: (laughing) So you load up your.. yeah.

Dave: That can't be good.

Amy: Cracked me up! Yeah...

Dave: Really, now, what else did he say? You don't need it. You're wonderful.

Amy: Well, he said, Amy, no one comes to me anymore to have something like that removed. He was like, you know, it was a hoot for him.

Dave: Yeah.

Amy: He couldn't wait to do it!

Dave: But nothing serious--no serious medical problems. It's all cosmetic.

Amy: I guess that would be cosmetic... Oh, you mean people going to see him. Yeah, you're right. That's cosmetic. Right.

Dave: Um, yeah. And, uh, how's the rabbit? We always talk about--

Amy: Thanks for asking. Dusty's doing fantastic. You know, I had to do this thing for MTV and we shot at an elementary school on the east side and, um, the classroom had 2 rabbits and they didn't have any hay, and as you know, I have that badge where I train people how to take care of rabbits. And so the next day I called the principal and she let me go there and teach a bunch of five-year-olds about rabbit care.

Dave: That's wonderful!

Amy: Yeah! And so, then I had to ask, like, Are there any questions. And it's like, (picks nose and imitates and obnoxious kid) I have a rabbit! I have a, a... Ughhhhh! Kids! And I don't.. I just... Anyway, I want to say I saw a picture of you and Harry in, um, Out magazine. And, uh, I'm not kidding, let me tell you. He's beautiful! He's--I mean, Out babies look like Ed Harris, but Harry's, like, his skin--your girlfriend must be gorgeous.

Dave: Yeah, well, it's remarkable. I don't know how it happened, either.

Amy: Yeah, it's like nine and a half fingers. You gotta get that story.

Dave: So, in addition to Dusty the rabbit--he's good--oh! Uh, your boyfriend.. your imaginary boyfriend, Ricky. How's Ricky?

Amy: Ricky.... Well, I'm grieving.

Dave: What's the matter?

Amy: I'm grieving right now... Ricky and I were in the bath tub making love--

Dave: Uh huh

Amy: It was right after one of yours shows. It was, uh, Richard Gere was on. Anyway, we were in the tub making love and I found a cyst on one of his obliques, wherever those are. Yeah, cysts are hi-lar-ious! Anyway, I rushed him to St. Vincent's Hospital. You know, because he didn't' want to go and I made him go, and it's benign. And we got into a cab, and he was murdered on the way home. I'm not allowed to talk about the case. But I'm in the seven steps of grieving, which is alcohol, drugs and anonymous sex. And, um, so I'm in the dating pool now.

Dave: Now, wait, let's go back a little... I understand that he's imaginary but a story like this you think you would have heard something about that.

Amy: Well, the Brad and Jen news--I mean, I think it got buried in the newspaper, but, um, a friend of mine said they saw him at a party last week, though.

Dave: Really!

Amy: And it was the same doctor you had. But, um, I have to say I get recognized on the street a lot for that 4 A.M. show, which I never thanked you. I had so much fun doing that. I gave a tour of my--

Dave: How is your neighborhood?

Amy: Um, it's fine. The only good thing in my neighborhood is Li-Lac Chocolates, right? And they're moving to Hudson and Jane. Yeah. So...

Dave: Is that bad for you?

Amy: Well, I'm always there every day. A couple blocks makes a difference. But now, you know, they're gonna turn it into a lesbian bar called Lickety Splits... It took me a long time to come up with that name!

(Amy does the Cancan)

Dave: Yeah, yeah....

(Amy cracks herself up)

Amy: Big fat, fat lesbian bar. Fat people. Fat, fat, fatties! Five drink minimum!

Dave: It'll be nice, though. Five drink!

Amy: Yeah, sure!

Dave; Now, uh, I mentioned here in the opening that "Strangers With Candy"--this is like a big deal--is going to the Sundance Film Festival. Is that like, uh, is that a big deal? The Sundance Film Festival?

Amy: I've never been. I'm excited.

Dave: I'd like to go. I bet it's beautiful there.

Amy: Mmmm! Maybe we should get tickets for two!

Dave: All right!

Amy: Yes, well, your company, Worldwide Pants, was foolish enough to give me and Paul Dinello and Stephen Colbert money to do a movie version of the canceled hit series "Strangers With Candy." And, um, yeah, we got into Sundance.

Dave: That's exciting!

Amy: Isn't that exciting? Yeah--

Dave: What will you do there?

Amy: Oh, I guess we have to show it, you know, and it's going to be hard. It's a lot of talking to a lot of people and schmoozing and stuff. I'm not very good at that kind of thing. But maybe if I have a uniform and a big blow-up briefcase and treated it like a job, that would be OK. And grieving and all, it'll be tough but we'll see.

Dave: It'll be hard on you.

Amy: It'll be hard. It's really, really tough.

Dave: Yeah, and Dave: You're always very good with crafts, and activities and so forth.

Amy: (giggles) Activities...

Dave: Do you have any new business?

Amy: I do. I, um, have a cheeseball business.

Dave: A cheeseball business?

Amy: Yes. And I've been making them and bringing them to Gourmet Garage.

Dave: What is a cheeseball, exactly?

Amy: What we do... it's, um, it's um, it's cream cheese, smoked gouda, butter, steak A1 sauce - which is vegetarian - a little milk from Pathway, and then you put it... form a ball, roll it in crushed nuts, and you spread it on a Ritz.

Dave: Right.

Amy: And, um, it's big... the size... well, it's bigger than a tumor. (Dave cracks up laughing) But you know. And then, so I've
been making them and bringing them to Gourmet Garage and they've been selling out.

Dave: Well, sure, if they're bigger than a tumor.

Amy: Yeah. Four at a time.

Dave: Everybody snatches those things up left and right.

Amy: I used to work at Gourmet Garage, and I quit because they made me wear a baseball cap. And I said, I'll wear a hair net, but a baseball cap? My head's too small.

Dave: I see.

Amy: But I still keep in touch with them, and they're... they're great.

Dave: So you took the cheeseballs into the Gourmet Garage, and that's where they sell that?

Amy: And I sold out both times.

Dave: Really?

Amy: I brought four in. They looked suspicious. (laughter) I know, but I was so excited. I was like, goodnight, you know? But
you know, I wrapped them in... paper, you know... see-through...

Dave: Cellophane?

Amy: Cellophane!

Dave: Plastic wrap, whatever.

Amy: In our country, cellophane. And I made my own label. You could see hair underneath the label... no expiration date! Real suspicious.
Dave: Yeah.

Amy: But, um, how exciting. I mean, you've got your popcorn company.

Dave: Now, is... yeah, but nobody will buy it.

Amy: Well, do you know why? It's because you're limiting your audience. Because it's just for people with microwaves.

Dave: Oh.

Amy: See, you can, you can... you don't need a microwave for a cheeseball.

Dave: I... I can... well, no, you don't. But how much do they weigh?

Amy: Oh, that. Well, it doesn't float, if that's what you're getting at...

Dave: So this'll be great. This might take off...

Amy: I think so, yeah.

Dave: And then you'll have a whole second thing going.

Amy: I'm real excited about that.

Dave: Now, what would that go for? A cheeseball?

Amy: I keep pricing whatever number comes into my head. We haven't nailed it. I'm gonna get their kitchen to make 'em, because it didn't look very presentable.

Dave: I see. ... And is there a cheeseball season, or are they just wonderful all year-round?

Amy: Um, well, they're great in the summer on the beach.... Yeah, they are... more in cold temperatures...

Dave: Pick up a lot of sand...

Amy: Can you imagine? On the sand... on a stick...

Dave: Go to the beach, pick up a cheeseball!

Amy: Maybe you'll order one sometime.

Dave: I think I will. I mean, when you mentioned that they're bigger than a tumor, my mouth started watering.

Amy: Yeah.

Dave: All right, so here now, good luck out there January 24th. That's just around the corner.

Amy: Yeah, thank you so much.

Dave: Let us know what happens. There you go, Amy Sedaris, ladies and gentlemen! We'll be right back with Andy Kindler.

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