Dave: This is going to be exciting because Amy Sedaris, a great friend of ours, very, very funny, and she said yes, she’d love to be a part of the show--she was the only one--and uh, and so we said, well, do you mind, can you give us a tour of your neighborhood--I’m not exactly sure where she lives--but we’ll find out. So, uh, we have the satellite hook-up, Amy Sedaris, coming from her very own neighborhood, here she is!

(Amy waves)

Dave: Hello, Amy!

Amy: Hey! How’s it going? Good morning!

Dave: Good. Can you hear me?

Amy: I can here you and I’m up for this!

Dave: You look like you may be a little too up for this.

(Amy laughs)

Dave: You look wonderful, by the way.

Amy: Thank you very much! I think this is going to work for us. You know, you being in the studio, me being here, it’s safe. You know, you with the baby and what’s-her-face. This works, right?

(Dave laughs)

Amy: Um, what are you wearing?

Dave: Pardon?

Amy: What are you wearing?

Dave: Well, I just have the same old silly-looking suit.

(Amy laughs)

Amy: Oh, OK. The mix-match. Yeah. What am I wearing? Can you see me?

(Dave laughs)

Dave: Yes, I can see you.

Amy: What am I not wearing? (Amy pulls down the neck of her shirt)

Dave: Easy!

Amy: It’s 4 in the morning!

Dave: Yeah. And thank you very much for helping us out. Now, are you normally--you’re not normally up at 4 in the morning, are you?

Amy: (in a twangy accent) Haha, I don’t kiss n’ tell!... No, no, normally I’m sleeping.

Dave: Uh huh.

Amy: But, uh, you know, sometimes I can’t sleep. But I have a new computer and I ordered some Ambien online last week and, um, and it came the next day from a lab in Florida. So, um, so if I have trouble sleeping, I just take that. Now they’re telling me it’s time to refill already. But I’m not on that now.

Dave: Ah.

Amy: I’m on something else.

(Dave laughs)

Dave: Well, it seems to be working!

Amy: Something else, something else... yep.

(Amy waves to someone--probably no one in particular)

Dave: Now, I don’t want to pry but can you tell us where your neighborhood is and what is that big red thing you’re standing next to?

Amy: It’s um, I don’t know what it is. Oh, it says “fire.” We just saw a car accident, by the way.

Dave: Yeah.

Amy: We just saw a car accident. I’m on the corner of Bedford and Christopher Street in the West Village.

Dave: Uh, how long have you lived in this are?

Amy: Eleven years.

Dave: You must like it there then, obviously.

Amy: Yeah, it’s a little, it’s getting a little bad at night. It’s really loud from my apartment--with people talking on the street like I am now--so it’s kind of difficult. But it’s all right. it’s kind of a little seedy lately.

Dave: Well, so far it looks great. I thought the giant red thing might be a Tony award.

Amy: (pretends to give an acceptance speech and hugs the giant “Tony”) Thank you all very much!

(Dave laughs)

Amy: Oh, there’s a traffic jam!

Dave: All right, so now, Amy, I really appreciate this and uh--

(A car honks and Amy waves)

Amy: (yelling) Hey! Biff! Biff!.... I’m sorry, go on...

Dave: And you’re going to show us around a little bit of the neighborhood. Is that right?

Amy: I’m gonna give you a tour. I’m Bobbi Batista, all right?

Dave: OK.

Amy: Ok, can I do Bobbi?

Dave: All right.

Amy: Ok, so, uh, stay on the runner, follow me, right here.... First of all, this is the Lucy Lortel, it’s a famous theatre in the neighborhood.

Dave: Uh huh.

Amy: As you can see here, a lot of famous people have worked here.

Dave: What are the stars?

Amy: Oh, we’ve got a lot of riveting stars. Here’s um.. Let’s see... Marc what’s-his-name? Blitzen... Blitzenstein? (dances around and scratches her leg) Oooh! Excuse me!... Mark Blitzenstein. Ok, famous Jewish actor, I believe.

And over here we have one of eleven video porno shops in my neighborhood.

Dave: One of eleven!

Amy: One of eleven. Uh, and um, there’s a grand opening up the street. And they have all the latest videos. They have “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Behind.” So they have that. That’s a big hit.

Then uh, let’s see--across the street over there, there’s Lilac, my favorite chocolate store. They decorate for the weekends and every holiday.

Dave: That’s great.

Amy: There’s a dumpster, which means they just got an order in, so that’s good.

We have, um, over this way we have a DVD store. This is always good. This is where I see your girlfriend a lot. Uh, also porno shop. And you can get bongs, which is good for me at 4 o’clock in the morning.

This is the Hanger. Need I say more?

Dave: Now, wait a minute! What do you mean--

Amy: I think they’re still open. The Hanger, it’s a gay--it’s for guys, Dave.

This, uh, this is a jewelry store, which I’m convinced is a drug front.

Um, let’s see.... Uh, there’s The Beach. They do massages and, uh, waxing for men and women. Full release.

(Dave, who has been laughing throughout the whole segment so far absolutely cracks up.)

Amy: Up here--another jewelry store, another drug front.

Dave: It seems like everything you need is right there.

Amy: It’s right at my fingertips. For a straight girl, it’s perfect!

And over there, that’s the, uh, that’ the Hope Diamond of the neighborhood. That’s the XXX and they have famous movies too, like “13 Going Down On 30” is popular right now.

Dave: Well!

Amy: That’s a good one. And they have holes. But it’s like, you know when the circus breaks down and those people that break down everything in the midway--the carnies?

Dave: Yes.

Amy: That’s what it’s like at this hour at night. It’s riff-raff, it’s freaks--

Dave: Do you hvae any friends around right now?

Amy: Do I have any--Do I have any friends around here right now?!... (pretends to shout and wave at people) Hey! Russel! How’s it going?! Good to see you!... Patti! Hey! No, um, I’ll talk to you later!.... Oh, look, he’s running--deli guy running, there’s some action.

Dave: So he’s out making a delivery? That’s what he’s doing?

Amy: (mumbles) Drug delivery.

Ok, here we have another video store. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? I do a lot of Christmas shopping there.

This is the lady that makes all my clothes scratch.

Dave: That’s great. Are you near the East River yet?

Amy: Hahaha! No.

This is a shoe place. They don’t have my size.

This is a diner in the neighborhood where I come and get my breakfast burrito and margarita.

Dave: Well, listen, it was very nice of you to spend some time showing us your neighborhood. When will you be going back to bed, Amy?

Amy: (slyly) Why do you ask?

Dave: Amy Sedaris, ladies and gentlemen, that’s her neighborhood. Thank you very much, Amy.

Amy: Thank you very much.

Dave: You look wonderful.’

Amy: Thank you.

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