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amy sedaris interviews
Amy Sedaris on David Letterman > November 28, 2002

Dave: Our next guest is a very funny woman, and a talented actress who stars in a new film entitled Maid in Manhattan, it opens December 13th... here’s the lovely Amy Sedaris.

Dave: Welcome to the program.

Amy: Thank you. What a lot of seamen you had on your show.

Dave: Sailors.

Amy: Sailors, seamen... in my day...

Dave: Now listen... thank you for spending your Thanksgiving with us, and you look wonderful, you look dressed up and ready to go.

Amy: Thank you so much... isn’t this a cute skirt?

Dave: Beautiful, yes.

Amy: My favorite magazine in the world is called Nest magazine, it’s like, a, um, home, you know, what do you call it, when you wanna fix up your house, what do you call that kind of magazine?

Dave: Kind of a house fix-er-upper?

Amy: Yeah.  Anyways, they have this fabric, it’s got little rabbits on it, so I did an ad for them, and then my friend Todd made me a skirt, and he even put a little surprise on the lining, can you see it? (pulls up skirt to about her waist to show the inside hem)  Oh! hee hee, oops... anyway .... isn’t that nice?

Dave: What’s the matter with you?

Amy: --the skir... oh I don’t know, ha ha!

Dave: That was fun though!

Amy: Ha ha, see, (does it again) little surprise, ha, it’s cute! ...the rabbits are like, giving birth, or something.

Dave: Something, yes.

Amy: y’know?

Dave: Now, Amy, um—

Amy: It’s like um, it’s my uh, early menopause look.  Or, like a lady who works in a consignment shop. Doesn’t it look like that?

Dave: Well it looks very, very nice...

Amy: So I sit at home and I rub my ankles together and go “that’s a good price for figs..”  (old lady voice, raising mug to her face) ...“oooh, a microwave crockpot.   Did I take my, uh, blonde gin-soaked raisins today?” It’s like that look.  You know what I’m sayin? 

Dave: Yeah, kinda.

Amy: Yeah.

Dave: Well, you smell great.

Amy: Oh thank you so much.

Dave: Very nice fragrance, I like that.  ...nice scent.

Amy: Ahahaha...

Dave: Now tell me about your Thanksgiving.  What would you do normally, would you be cooking, are you, are you cooking today...?

Amy: Ha ha, well, I’m here David, ha ha ha...  Well, um, actually, uh, Susan Sarandon invited me to her house, and—but I couldn’t go, because I’m here—and uh, but she left me a message, and she wanted, she said tell Dave I’m using his gravy boat that he bought me.

Dave: Ha ha ha ha.

Amy: For the last time.  She threw it out.  She didn’t wanna use it anymore.  But don’t call her and confirm that.

Dave: Okay.

Amy: But uh, no, people are gonna come over later for um, dessert.

Dave: Oh, that’s nice. I think that’s nice.

Amy: Yeah, I like to—

Dave: A lot of folks?

Amy: Um, I dunno, it could be anywhere from eight people to, you know, maybe twenty, I just told them to bring whoever...and then.. cause I like to make money on the holidays.  Yeah... but I’m not gonna do Thanksgiving this year...  so I’m gonna take polaroids of pictures, you know, of people, you know, for $5 you can get your picture taken, or um, couples is $10, so I can still make money, and then, they’re there.

Dave: So you take their photos of them being at your event.

Amy: Yeah, yeah. Used to be... you’d get your picture taken with my rabbit, but now she’s not here.  So maybe, they could pose with her ashes or something.

Dave: The rabbit passed away..

Amy: Yeah, maybe, I have to think about that, but um, but uh, yeah, so I’m just gonna do that, it’s gonna be kinda quiet this year.

Dave: And then tomorrow, do you go out and shop, with everybody, you know, it’s the big—

Amy: Well, Thanksgiving is the gateway to Christmas. So, but um, I’m already ahead of myself.  I’ve done a lot of my shopping, and I’m still making, you know, holiday gifts...

Dave: You make the gifts.  You’re very very craft-oriented.

Amy: I’m very—yeah! good..yeah...  so um, this year I bought some big lighters, for kids, and then I cover them—

Dave: wh—I’m sorry—lighters...?

Amy: For children. (makes lighter clicking motion with hand) yeah. And then I cover them with wood grain shelf paper... and then for guys I’ll put like a captain wheel on it, and for girls, maybe a mushroom...  and then I do faces on pine nuts...

Dave: Faces.. on pine nuts? little... tiny..?

Amy: Pine nuts, yeah.  But it’s causing a roach problem, but I got that.  And then I got uh... I’m giving everyone in my family bacon grease every year, cause it’s really good, always a good present—

Dave: And how do you package the bacon grease?

Amy: I put it—sometimes, I use ice cube trays...  ha ha... that’s always a good one..  and then I’m making cookbooks for people.

Dave: Wow.  So you, you really got it covered.  this is your time of year!

Amy: It’s my time of year, yeah.  But I’ll tell you, I was gonna give you some Thanksgiving tips when you go to someone’s house—

Dave: Yeah, sure.

Amy: Like... um... well I was thinking this might be helpful for people who, you wanna go ahead and open all your liquor bottles, so they don’t feel, your guests don’t feel like they’re the first ones crackin it open...  And um, you don’t wanna go up to a guest and say, “can I get you another bottle of wine?” you wanna say “can I get you a bottle of wine?”  So they don’t feel like alcoholics. 

Dave: Right. hahahaha...

Amy: And then um, a good thing to do when you go to someone’s house... you know, people assume in New York we have things called “counters”—but we don’t, there’s no such thing as a counter.  So um—and lesbians are the worst, they’re just terrible, they do this all the time.  They show up with um, raw vegetables, and then they need like, a sharp knife, a butcher block, and they need the oven on, and it’s just... a pain in the ass. (laughs) don’t you think? They need all those things, and you don’t... right?

Dave: Cook it at home, and bring it over maybe...

Amy: Yeah, exactly.  all that... counter space...

Dave: Sounds like common sense to me.

Amy: Yeah, right.  But you never find a hair in your food, that’s for sure!  ahahahaha... cause it’s so short. ...ha ha.. (mimicking a lesbian typing a note very earnestly) “Dear David Letterman.  my girlfriend and I watched your show last night, blah blah blah, pssshew!” (sound of an email being sent apparently)

Dave: Ha ha ha ha...

Amy: Whew! hahaha!

Dave: Now, uh... when we come back, we’ll find out about that, with Amy Sedaris.


***(commercial break)***


Dave: Amy Sedaris! is on the program... and the Strokes will be back here...

Amy: hahaha! the strokes...

Dave: Now, we talked about Sarah Jessica Parker, and uh, Matthew Broderick, and the brand new baby, it’s like a month old now, and I know you’re good friends with both of them.  So tell us all about that.  What was that like for everybody?

Amy: (laughs)  ... the baby’s adorable! Looks just like Matthew... (very sensually) his lips... and his hair and everything... looks just like him.  And she just went, and got right back into shape! I saw her the week after, and she’s springin down the stairs—you know those boing marks they have?  You know, after like rabbits? and stuff, when you like see it, in illustrations?  What do you call that?? and don’t say “tracer.”

Dave: I don’t—I don’t know what it is.

Amy: Well, she got boing boing marks...and uh, ha ha, the baby’s adorable, it’s like the size of an eggplant, and um, he always has his arm up!  So um, whenever you ask anything, you assume he knows the answer.  Like, uh... “where are those Percocets that the doctor gave you, Sarah?”  And you look over and the baby’s like (raises arm, with stupid expression)!  ...but uh, she’s nice, she lets me pretend that it’s my baby...So I like to hold it and say, “what are you doing here, Sarah? Matthew and I just wanna be alone for a while.”  So that’s a lot of fun.  And Matthew’s really happy!  I haven’t seen him that happy since we met.  But um...  and he’s, the baby’s always in hand-me-downs.  So he’s got that drifter quality to him, know what I mean?  Like “nowhere to go” kind of a thing...  just really really cute.  And um... but you know, I wrote Matthew a letter, and kinda ended things with him.  You know, just told him, you know, we shouldn’t do this, there’s a baby involved, there’s a child involved. (setting hands down on Dave’s desk very emphatically)  There’s a CHILD involved!

Dave: I know, I know what you’re saying... but you were just friends right? You and Matthew were just friends.

Amy: Well, we’d French kiss.  Ahahahaa.  (gleefully remembering)  Y’know, we’d French kiss!

Dave: Uh huh.

Amy: But not anymore.  We’re just gonna have to put an end... to that... you know, for a while.  You know, so...  child involved.

Dave: I understand...

Amy: All right.  (kind of skeptically, leering at him, very seriously)

Dave: How, uh...  now I know... you have, uh, an, uh, an imaginary boyfriend.

Amy: Ricky!   Ahahhhahah.

Dave: heh heh.

Amy: Yeah.  Ricky... he—he’ll be at my house tonight!

Dave: Oh, he’ll be there tonight.

Amy: Yeah.  My apartment’s gonna reek of dirty hair!  Cause he never washes his hair.  ...but that’s cool, that’s cool...  Yeah! Ricky...  we’re gonna try to have a baby.

Dave: Really.

Amy: I think so.  If it’s a boy, Rick; if it’s a girl, Crystal Clear.

Dave: What does Ricky do?

Amy: He’s a grip.  ... he works a lot in Argentina.

Dave: Uh huh. ha ha...

Amy: Yeah, so we’re gonna see... he’s probably watchin videos and stuff... Listening to Coldplay, ...what guys do!  what straight guys do! know.... (laughs)

Dave: Well, I wish you...and, and maybe some night, uh, you can bring Ricky over.

Amy: I would—ohhhh, you’d love him! He’s not transparent at all...

Dave: Of course not, no.

Amy: But I did have an imaginary dog for a while.  I was gonna name him Dogless [pronounced “Douglas”]... an imaginary dog... and I was gonna make the dog a know-it-all, ...but I couldn’t think of enough facts... Like, I’d wake up every day trying to think of a fact the dog could say, like, you know, “Texas is a big state!” know, or just some stupid... “Worms live everywhere, even in your backyard!”   ...but... I don’t know any facts.  ...I’m so stupid!  and then I—the imaginary dog went away!

Dave: Oh, well...

Amy: That’s hard!  You know what I mean?

Dave: You’re very busy though, aren’t you?  Very active.

Amy: Ahaha, yeah, where’re you going with this? hahahaha.  I’m a very busy woman. (brushing hair back, busily)

Dave: Let’s just talk about the movie.  This is like a big deal, this is gonna be a huge movie, that’s Jennifer Lopez, I mean, and uh, what’s the guy’s name?

Amy: One, please. (motion like buying a ticket)  Oh, Ralph Fiennes.

Dave: That’s right.  And uh, Maid in Manhattan is the name of the film, and uh, what do you do in the movie? What are you in the movie?

Amy: Wellll, uh, Jennifer, it’s her face, and she does all the acting, she’s very beautiful... but it’s my ass, because her ass was so—no seriously, seriously—it’s flat, and kinda discolored, you know? Like that Stevie Nicks ‘Landslide’ song kinda goes in there... (makes swooping landslide gesture) it’s my, my ass, and uh, her face. That’s pretty much what I do in it. But um, it’s really... good, you should go see it for that.

Dave: Yeah, oh yeah.

Amy: It’s convincing, you’d think it was hers.

Dave: I look forward to that!  For sure.  ...did you get along with, uh, Jennifer... Lopez... at all?  Spending time with her?

Amy: She—well, Jenny from the hood!  Yeah, well, she’s um, really really beautiful, and she was really nice, and then I got to work with Natasha Richardson... again, real “classy lady”, y’know? (does some kind of cigarette-twirling gangster girlfriend impression)  ...And, um, I got to go to her house, and I went through her underwear drawer, ransacked it. ...really classy!  And she’s got like sand ashtrays, and... she’s really beautiful.  And Liam’s so tall, and broad, and mm!  You know... it was fun.

Dave: Ha ha hahahaha.

Amy: Good times! (Jerri Blank voice)

Dave: Ok, well uh, listen then... it was great to have you with us—

Amy: Aw, thank you so much.

Dave: And uh, thank you for sharing your holiday with us...

Amy: Oh, yeah...

Dave: And good luck, and please... come back soon!  Will you come back? soon?

Amy: I would love to come back!

Dave: All right Amy, nice to see you again (shakes hands with her)

Amy: Thank you so much!

Dave: Amy Sedaris, everybody!  We’ll be back with the Strokes.

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