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Amy Sedaris on Martha Stewart
September 25, 2007
Amy demonstrates how to make her Li'l Smoky Cheeseball

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"I made you a tissue ghost in the dressing room. It goes with a toilet paper dress." Martha says, "See? Trying to compete!"
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Amy congratulates Martha on the "C" grade her kitchen received for sanitation. "C's good, right?" "Isn't my dress sensational?" "I collect Barbie doll books from when I was a kid--
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"--and this is her date night dress." When Amy wonders if she's too old for her dress, Martha tells her, "No. You look, like, 12." Amy says the great thing about cheeseballs is that you can reshape the ball, re-roll it in nuts and serve it over and over.
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Amy also makes bite-sized blue ball cheeseballs. Amy argues that Martha sabotaged her the last time she was on the show, with all the salt and the flour on her face. Martha comments that the ingredients must make a really big cheeseball. Amy retorts, "Oh yeah, well, if you eat like you do...."
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Shown up by Martha on how to use the stand mixer. "A-1 Sauce is vegetarian, and is equivalent to bong water." Amy explains a ridiculous reason why A-1 Sauce is like bong water. "That's what someone told me."--
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--Martha: "You're very gullible, Amy." Martha is confused about whether Amy said "bong" water or "bog" water. Amy no longer runs a cheeseball business out of her apartment, because it attracted too many mice... "Hand to God! Cheeseballs the size of the moon!"
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Martha comments that Amy didn't grate all of her gouda. "I know. That's because I'm making a low-calorie cheeseball." Forming cheeseballs is a messy job, but Amy still answers the phone when it rings. Her phone smells smo-kaaay! Martha put chutney in her cheeseball and wants to roll it in cranberries. Amy is skeptical and says she'll be able to entertain for two weeks with that cheeseball because no one will want to eat it.
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A freak-out ensues when Amy wants to put a party pick on top of her cheeseball and Martha doesn't think they have any. Martha asks Amy how her book is going. "Better than yours! I'm tellin' you... It's flying off the shelf!"... ...Martha asks what kind of comparison she has... "Charts and graphs."
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Amy says she heard that Martha lost her estate, Turkey Hill. "Are you like a gypsy? Are you staying on people's couches?" Martha says she hasn't knocked on Amy's door yet because she doesn't like smoked gouda. Amy says she hates to admit that Martha's chutney cheeseball is actually good. Martha tells her she shouldn't hate to admit it; she should like to--they're not competitive. "Yeah, we are. Yeah, we are." Amy puts her nose up when Martha wants to cut up vegetables to serve with the cheeseball.
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"I use crackers. But go on." Amy says to make sure you have your vegetables already chopped up when bringing crudites to someone's house, as not to impose on the host and their kitchen space. Martha thinks the mandoline slicer might be too sharp and dangerous for Amy. "Great. I'll just stand here and model my dress."
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Morphing into Jerri Blank while slicing a cucumber.
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Amy spies a bunch of carrots that she'd like to take home to her rabbit, Dusty. "Maybe you'll me walk with these!" Amy's mini-rex rabbit, Dusty Amy arranges the jicama to look like...
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...buck teeth. "Fun for the whole family!"
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Amy makes a party blower out of a strip of cucumber. "Wherever you're staying--is it decorated for Halloween and fall?"
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For fall, Amy has a witch's hat and cape, some bats and, "I'm gonna put some tin foil over my fake turkey, so it looks like it's hot!"
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She tells Martha, "Yeah, you'll have to come by some night" *wink* Martha says maybe she'll come trick-or-treating on Halloween night. "Okay, I'm not too old to wear this dress, but I think you're too old to go trick-or-treating."


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