Dave: It's always entertaining when our first guest drops by for a visit. But what you have to understand about this lovely woman is, in addition to being a fine actress and a wonderful comedienne, she's peculiar.

Paul: Yes.

Dave: You have to keep that in mind.

Paul: I know.

Dave: You have to keep that in mind because she's like -- and joyfully, gladfully -- different from everybody else walking around on the planet.

Paul: Every time she's here, yeah.

Dave: That's what makes her special. That's why we embrace her. That's why we love having her on the show.

Paul: I understand.

Dave: But, you know. She's not hooked up right -- in a delightful, positive, exciting way. But you have to understand that. And now that we understand that, ladies and gentlemen, here's a very funny woman, the lovely Amy Sedaris!

(Amy enters)

Amy: Hey! It's good to see you!

Dave: How are you?

Amy: I'm good, thank you.

(Amy sits down and the tulle on her dress is bigger than she is)

Dave: My goodness! Wow! That is... What is... My God!

Amy: What?!

Dave: Good Lord!

Amy: Spectacular, right?

Dave: It's beautiful!

Amy: It's a ball -- (imitating a hillbilly) Heehaw! Two take minimum! -- My designer friend, Mary Adams, with the nine and a half fingers made this ball gown. But it's two face. It's got a senorita back. So it's like (Amy gets up, dances and sings "America" from "West Side Story") "I want to live in America, I want to live in America, I want to live in America, I want to live in America!"

Dave: Now, your friend that made this for you, was it for a special occasion or just as a gesture of friendship?

Amy: It was -- First of all, I wanted Biff to come out from underneath it. That would've been perfect. No room! Um, well, the press has it all wrong. Matthew Broderick threw a 40th birthday party for me. He had a ball for me. Sarah will be 50 next year so I think he's gonna, like, rent a Putt-Putt thing out for her or something. She likes golf clubs.

Dave: Yeah, good. But this was the big soiree -- if I can use that word -- at the Plaza, is that right?

Amy: Yes, it was at the Plaza. It was exciting.

Dave: I bet you were the best dressed young lady there.

Amy: (doing another hillbilly/Piglet imitation) Second place!.. Someone told me before I cam out -- right before I came out -- said, "Oh, I saw that dress in Us Magazine, it's when bad clothes happen to good people. Have a good show!" Can you believe it? No, it was exciting. They had a band there... Um, (Amy pretends to play the trumpet)... that kind of band.. (sings like Ray Charles) "Hello, darling" -- that kind...

Paul: Dixieland... Louis Armstrong...

Amy: Big band! Yeah, big band. It was great, and fancy food.

Dave: How was the food? Was the food OK?

Amy: The food was fantastic. Finger foods.

Dave: Finger foods?

Amy: Finger foods.

Dave: And this was Serrica, Serrica Jessica -- Serrica..

Amy: Serrica! (Amy cracks up) What's on your mind?

Dave: It was her birthday party, is that what it was?

Amy: (rolls eyes) Yeah, all right, all right. It was HER birthday party.

Dave: And was it like a big, big deal? Were there a lot of people there?

Amy: There were a lot of people there, and I sang. I sang a song.

Dave: Really?! What did you sing?

Amy: One of my country hits that I have.

(Dave cracks up)

Amy: What?? Yes, I sang, thank you very much.

Dave: And was that well-received? I mean, of course it was.

Amy: Yeah, it was really fancy. She wore an old dress of mine that was too big for me. Yeah.

Dave: By the way, you look tremendous!

Amy: Really?

Dave: You just look great!

Amy: Oh, that's so nice of you to say. Thank you so much.

Dave: And so, Sarah Jessica's 40th birthday party was fun, and you still have a big, active friendship with these people?

Amy: Big active... I have a big active friendship... At my age, I have a big, active friendship with those people (cracks up). Yeah.

Dave: Are you still -- Do you still have a crush on Matthew Broderick?

Amy: Well, he has more of a crush on me, I think. That's what it is.

Dave: You about ready to move on perhaps?

Amy: I've moved on, I've moved on. And I'm in the dating pool, so... But it's funny, you know, I love having clothes made for me but, I don't know, ladies, you have this situation, but no matter what you're buying, in a store you always hear "wear it with jeans." I don't care what I'm buying -- "Oh, wear it with jeans." One time, this lady said to me, "You know, if you're going to a rock concert..." I go, "A rock concert?!" That's hilarious to me. Me at a rock concert. Ok. Wear it with jeans. Jeans. Pay attention from now on.

Dave: Yeah. Do you buy a lot of shoes when you go shopping?

Amy: Uh, yeah. Whenever I do your show, sometimes I get a little check in the mail and then I take that check and buy a new pair of shoes, and then I wear those shoes the next time I do your show.

Dave: Is that right?

Amy: Yeah.

Dave: That's good.

(Amy shows off her new shoes)

Amy: Every time.

Dave: Wow, those are nice.

Amy: Aren't they pretty? I swear I want to be a food model. I know I've done this before on the show, but I'd be so good at it -- (dances to show off her shoes) Biff! Go! Go, Biff! -- It's my favorite thing to do in the world!

Dave: Now--

Amy: (having a hard time controlling her dress) I should sit in that chair.

Dave: No, you're fine. Would you like some Crisco?

Amy: Yeah. Do my hips looks big? (Jerri Blank voice) I mean, really.

Dave: You'll be sleeping out in the yard tonight. Now, you brought a clip.

Amy: Yes, I did.

Dave: What is the clip you brought with you?

Amy: Well, I'm the person who watches your show and, uh--

Dave: Thank you.

Amy: No, I'm just kidding. And Paris Hilton, that girl Paris Hilton, wear it with jeans, was on not too long ago and she littered.

Dave: She littered?

Amy: She littered. She tossed something on the floor. It's a rich person's disease. I brought a clip because no one else noticed it but me. I watch TV like I'm deaf, so I don't even listen. I'm not even listening to you now. I just watch and, uh, can we roll the clip, Rodney?

Dave: Rodney! Haha! So this will be Paris Hilton littering.

Amy: Yes. Watch.

(Shows clip of Paris Hilton on the show, casually tossing a bag on the floor)

Amy: OK, watch. Watch the bag.

Dave: That is hot, isn't it?

(Amy cracks up when Paris tosses the bag onto the floor)

Amy: (clapping and squealing with glee) I wanna see it again!!

(Shows clips again)

Dave: That's right. Look at this. Let's get that outta here.

Amy: See?

Dave: She doesn't want to be encumbered by that, does she?

Amy: Who's gonna pick that up? Someone has to pick that up. Litterbug. Give a hoot.

Dave: Have you ever met the lovely Paris Hilton?

Amy: No, I've never met her.

Dave: What kind of woman do you think she is?

Amy: (in a Jerri Blank voice) Pisces... Um, I don't know... I don't know... Pisces, definitely.

Dave: Probably so.

Amy: Drinker... Wishy-washy...

Dave: Yeah. Can I ask about your rabbit? Dusty?

Amy: Oh, thank you so much. Remind me to ask you about Harry later. Dusty, she's um, she's doing great. For Valentine's Day, my finger nails are short, you know, so I had fake nails put on so I could give her the ultimate massage for Valentine's Day.

Dave: That's very sweet.

Amy: Full release.... You knew that was coming!

Dave: Ewwwwww!

Amy: No, no, no...

Dave: Oh my God.

Amy: No, no, no. No, don't even--

Dave: Lord, that conjures a miserable--

Amy: But Easter, because I'm Greek Orthodox, we celebrate Easter later because of the old calendar -- (yawns like she's bored) I know -- and so Greek Easter is May 1st. My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.

Dave: And how long do the rabbits live in captivity?

Amy: Here we go. You always -- like 7 to 8 years.

Dave: 7 - 8 years? How old is Dusty?

Amy: Um, she's like 3. Today I woke up and she was on my back!

Dave: Oh, that's.... fun?

Amy: Isn't that great?

Dave: Is it fun? I don't know...

Amy: Does Harry have a problem with his back teeth? Do you have to file those down?

Dave: (cracking up) No.

Amy: No? Hmmm?

Dave: I don't think so. Why would I have to file those down?

Amy: Well, you know, I have that problem with Dusty. But this is true -- I was thinking about...

Dave: But Harry's not a rabbit.

Amy: Oh, that's right. Not in the rodent family! But I was thinking about this on the way here today -- That uncomfortable moment with the babysitter, and the father has to give you a ride home at night, and I was wondering if you have that problem when you have to drive the babysitter home?

Dave: No.

Amy: No?

Dave: Well, there's no babysitter to drive home.

Amy: (doing her Agnes Moorehead impression) You've got the nanny -- You've got the nanny, I guess, right?

Dave: No, nobody goes home.

Amy: (excitedly) They spend the night at your house?

Dave: No. There's nobody there!

Amy: Oh! All right, all right, all right, all right, all right!!

Dave: It's just the three of us, so nobody needs a ride home.

Amy: I'm just checkin'... It is awkward, though. Very awkward moment.

Dave: Now, uh, I understand you're working on a new book? What kind of book is that?

Amy: It's a hostess cookbook idea -- (takes a sip from her mug, then clears her throat) Excuse me, I drank my sangria wrong. Um, I hate sangria! -- It's like a, um, yeah, I entertain a lot so it's like a cookbook and a hostess book.

Dave: What kind of tips?

Amy: Tips. It's gonna have, um, let's say I have a date with a Greek guy. It's like what I would serve. You know, Greek food I would serve. How I would do my hair and make-up Greek style, tips on the Acropolis and interesting conversation. What I would keep in my medicine chest if he spent the night or what I would put in my overnight bag should I leave.

Dave: What would you put in your medicine chest if he spent the night?

Amy: Trojans... And grieving -- A chapter on grieving. A rich uncle comes to visit, you know, am I gonna be like--

Dave: What do you do if a rich uncle comes to visit?

Amy: I'd either try to impress him with, like, million dollar pancakes or take off the knobs on my dresser and put string, and put an eviction notice on my door. I haven't decided which way to go with that. And with Paris Hilton, I'll just have things she can throw around the apartment.

Dave: Do you have a publisher?

Amy: Warner Book is publishing it.

Dave: Really!

Amy: I've been working hard and I'm taking it very seriously because I hate joke cookbooks.

Dave: Right, right.

Amy: I hate them. I mean, you know, it's going to be serious.

Dave: I'm happy to hear that. Um, now where are you going to go afterwards with your big dress? Where will you take that big dress?

Amy: Where will I take this big dress? I don't know. I guess I'll just wear it. You know, it's tradition to wear it for a year.

Dave: Really.

Amy: Yeah, I have to wear this for a whole year... (laughs) Oh, what a drag, right?

Dave: Well, uh, that's about it then, isn't it?

Amy: That's it. Well, I have one other thing but it' really gonna be quick. Last time I was on your show, I talked about my cheese balls, which are at Gourmet Garage on sale, and now your popcorn is there.

Dave: Thanks to you.

Amy: Yeah, thanks to me.

Dave: All thanks to you.

Amy: See, you needed me for that.

Dave: We need you for more than that as it turns out. We can't do anything on our own. You're the only reason anything happens.

Amy: Thank you. However. Now your popcorn's on sale at Rupert's, which is a dive, right? Gourmet Garage... dive. But did I get a call about selling my cheese balls there?

Dave: Absolutely! Put them in there!

Amy: It's just too late now. I should've gotten -- I do so much for you.

Dave: What do you mean it's just too late? Don't be like that. Put them in. You got the cheese balls. Just put them in there.

Amy: Really? OK

Dave: All right, you can get the cheese balls at Rupert's Hello Deli. Thank you, Amy.

Amy: Thank you so much.

Dave: Nice to see you again.

Amy: It's so nice to see you.

Dave: Well be right back with Daniel Tammet, ladies and gentlemen.

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